He is Unapologetic about his Relationships with his Ex’s

My boyfriend (38) and I (35) met in high school, where we were two grades apart. We liked each other, but neither of us pursued it. The two of us met again in college, but were both involved with other people, so we kept it casual. Fast forward to 14 months ago, when I found him on Facebook and asked him out; he accepted. We have been dating ever since. In the interim, however, he dated many women and never married or had children. I was married for 13 years and had three (I am now divorced, obviously). So, needless to say, we are entering into this with different experiences. I also managed to finish both a BFA and an MFA and have been teaching high school and college for 11 and 5 years respectively, whereas my man has not quite decided upon a career yet and did not finish college.

There are a couple of things confusing me here. First, when we began dating he had recently moved back in with his parents after having come back from several states away. He had sold everything he owned and moved up there to be with a woman with whom the relationship did not work out; now he had to start from scratch. The thing is, he is still there after a year and a half (he hasn’t lived with his parents his entire life, but has moved back in three or four times after major setbacks) and while he stays at my house during the three nights and two days that my kids are at their father’s house, he has shown no interest in moving in with me or in getting his own place.

Secondly, he made it clear to me from the outset that he is still friends with many of his exes. Most of them are in his phone and on his Facebook and he has very regular contact with them; he even makes it a point to take them out when they come to visit. He tells me when he does so, in advance when possible, so I try to remain mellow and open-minded; but an incident a few months ago has left a black mark. After leaving my house at 4 on a Friday, he went and got a haircut, picked up a new suit, picked up L. at her house and stayed out with her until 1 am. He did not call or text the entire time (he usually does). Where I come from, that’s a date. When I asked him about it he became explosively angry, and the discussion did not go well.

I am trying to be patient here and I understand that he is different, and that he has been out of work for a few months and that it is stressful to have to ask me for money as much as he does. But the third thing is that lately he has no physical interest in me whatsoever. I already feel like I have to share him with his exes to an extent and now I am getting absolutely no attention or affection. He says that me bringing it up is what is turning him off, but I feel unattractive (I am 6 feet tall and a size 6, I thought I looked pretty good for a woman with three kids) and kind of used. Am I overreacting?

No – you are not overreacting. Let’s see here – he is age 38 … lives with his parents … unemployed … asks you for money … goes out with his ex’s … does not wish to fool around with you … is unapologetic about his relationships with his ex’s … and gets angry when you try to discuss stuff. This sounds like a no brainer to me … it is time to toss him back … he is not a keeper … best to practice “catch and release” with this one. I just do not see any redeeming qualities in him, and you did not mention any redeeming qualities in your email to me. YOU, however, sound like an excellent catch – and are worthy of a much better relationship.

Sometimes we hesitate to do what we know must be done … because we gravitate toward stability or the status quo. But doing that restricts our long-term happiness. I encourage you to put your boot print on this man’s ass, and move on with your life. The sooner you do this, the faster you will find true love and a healthy relationship.

I also recommend that you join our Midlife Forum – where we discuss a lot of midlife issues, including relationship issues like the one you written in about. Good luck!