People write in to ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR with questions. An index of all Q&As is located on the ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR INDEX page. Email your question in complete confidence to [email protected].
CHEATING WIFE NOW DESTROYING MAN’S CREDIT
Readers: The message below is the second from Dave, Age 42, of Dallas, TX. His original message to me and my response are immediately below this one – reading those will give you the background. In a nutshell, the guy’s wife has been cheating on him – and he appears unwilling to entertain the idea of divorce because of his faith and because of the potential financial losses.
DEAR MIDLIFEBACHELOR: Dave from Dallas here again. I understand your opinion that I should get a divorce – but I’m not that way. A marriage is not something that should be tossed aside, as it is a commitment in front of the Lord. I struggle with everything right now. My wife has started maxing out our credit cards. Actually she has been doing that for months. But now I found out that she has been opening a bunch of new credit accounts, and charging thousands of dollars on them. I only discovered this because she told me that she was declined when she tried to open a new account the other day. I have not run a credit report on myself, but I used to have perfect credit. Dave, Age 42, Dallas, TX
MLB ANSWER: I know you did not ask me for another opinion, Dave – but here is what I can tell you. Your wife knows that maxing out the cards and opening new accounts is going to hurt you both emotionally and financially … primarily emotionally. She has already cheated on you … perhaps even more times than you are aware of. The cheating really hurts you. She knows that – yet she hurts you again in a different way this time. What is she going to do next? Will she do something different to hurt you? Or will she step-up the hurt with her current activities? How much of this can you take? My opinion is that it is time to draw a line in the sand, and stick with it. I know you are a religious man – I have several very good friends who are born-again Christians, so I understand your viewpoint very well. But a marriage only works if both partners respect the commitment and respect one another – which is clearly not happening in your case.
Typically, I point people to sections of this site that can help them – but the current content of midlifebachelor.com presumes that the reader is already single … so I don’t have a section to specifically address your issues. You might check out Fundamental Truths about Women and Dating Today – that might help you figure out your wife. And as I said in my response to your last message (below), you should check out the Reaching Midlife Bachelor Equilibrium section to help you understand yourself, to appreciate what you do have, and to know that life’s challenges make you stronger. Good luck, my brother – keep us informed about how things go. The midlife bachelors of America are on your side.
SHOULD MAN DIVORCE CHEATING WIFE?
DEAR MIDLIFEBACHELOR: I am a 42-year old married man who needs your advice. I have been married for ten years, and have recently discovered that my wife is cheating on me. We do not have children, but I have worked hard to achieve a net worth of about $1.5M. A divorce will cause me to lose half – and I don’t want to give half away. I am a Christian who doesn’t believe in divorce, but my wife’s betrayal hurts me in a way that I cannot describe. What does a midlife bachelor think I should do? Dave, Age 42, Dallas, TX.
MLB ANSWER: My brother, I have walked in your shoes – I divorced in my twenties because my wife at that time was cheating on me, and I could not bear to look at her much less sleep with her or be married to her. Your situation is much different than mine – you have a lot to lose financially if you divorce … plus your religious beliefs are obviously an important input. You could try spiritual or marriage counseling, but remember that unless the two of you are united in your commitment to one another, then you will have to either put up with her infidelities OR you will need to make the decision to divorce her. I am about to give you my opinion – but the only real opinion that matters is the one that you have in your heart. In other words, you alone know (or will shortly know) what the right decision is for you to make. I can tell you from experience that as more time goes by, the best decision shall become crystal clear to you. My individual opinion is – that it is very likely that your marriage is already over with. Your financial interests will be best served by not waiting to divorce … the longer you wait, the more your net worth increases … and the more you will need to give to her (which, in my opinion, she does not deserve). Plus the sooner you put her behind you, the better you will feel about yourself. When my wife was cheating on me, I felt as though I was somehow inadequate – and that turned out to be very wrong. Again, when this happened to me – I had a “moment of clarity” in which what I needed to do became crystal clear to me. I believe you will shortly have your own moment of clarity. Don’t listen to me or really anyone but yourself – do what you know is right for you, my brother. Do what is necessary for you to be at peace with yourself. The only part of this site that I can point you to that might help is the section on Reaching Midlife Bachelor Equilibrium … which discusses the concept of understanding yourself, appreciating your family and friends, and learning to adapt and grow through the various challenges that life brings you. Good luck to you, my brother.
Note: There is a follow-up exchange here on ASK MLB with Dave: Cheating Wife Now Destroying Man’s Credit
