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People write in to ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR with questions.  An index of all Q&As is located on the ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR INDEX page. Email your question in complete confidence to


My girlfriend is pregnant but she's cheated on me, and I need to know what you think I should do.  I've been in love with my girlfriend for eight years.  Been dating her for two of them.  Last summer we decided to come off the pill and start a family.
Last couple of months we have been fighting a lot ... so much so that we talked about ending it a few times.  She came to my job one day and showed me a pregnancy test that was positive.  I cried with so much happiness.  I promised her that I would love her forever, and forget all the recent bad times - which are now in the past since we're about to have a family.  After a few days I noticed she is is still not very excited about the baby.  I investigate, and I find out she was cheating on me.  She thought she was gonna try and move in with another man, and now we do not know who the father is.  She is just pure begging for forgiveness.  She is staying at her aunt's house 3 hours from me.  I love her so very much, and I know she is very sorry.  We are going to get a DNA test done when she is 9 weeks.  I've been praying so much that the baby is mine so I can bring my family home.  I am afraid that if it is not mine, I can never forgive her.  She even suggested if it's not mine to abort it, and just do some serious therapy.  I know she loves me very much.  She is wanting to do anything to make this happen, I am also very scared that if it's mine and I bring my family home that I am never going to trust her again, I can never get the image of him and her together out of my mind.  We were a perfect couple minus some b.s.  I'm so scared, I'm scared that if I bring her back and put another 2 years invested and all she does is do it again.  Has anyone ever have similar story and what were the results?

Clearly, you are a younger man - most likely in your early or mid-20s ... and you have written here seeking the advice of someone older ... which is a good move on your part.

The advice I have for you is very cut-and-dry.  Do not marry her - even if the child is yours ... because if she cheated on you once, she will cheat on you again, guaranteed.  If the child is yours, then be the best father you can possibly be.  You do not HAVE to be involved in a romantic relationship with the mother ... but you should support the child financially and emotionally by being an active part of his or her life, and by being a positive role model.

Now I know you love your girlfriend, but just know that love is a terrible reason to get married, all by itself.  The fact that she's cheated on you previously means that if you get back together with her - you must expect her to cheat again.  Can you handle that?  Maybe you want to give her "one more chance", before you pull the plug on your relationship for good?  I guarantee you that she will cheat on you again, so just be ready for that, if you do get back together with her.

I know you said that your girlfriend loves you very much.  But think about it - she cheated on you, got pregnant by either you or the other guy, the other guy apparently dumped her.  She cannot support herself, which is why she's living with her aunt ... and you are the only guy left in the picture.  So she has to try to make things work with you, else she has no one to support her ... at least no one she's met yet, and she won't meet anyone new because she's currently pregnant.  So it makes perfect sense that she is all over you to get back together, and make it work - because she has no better options, currently.

Concerning whether she should keep the baby or not - I would never make any recommendation about that.  The same issue exists whether she keeps the baby or not - she cheated on you, and she will do it again if you stay with her ... baby or no baby.

Trust me when I say that the last thing you EVER want is to be married to someone who cheats on you.  I know that firsthand - because my ex-wife (who I loved with all of my heart) did exactly that to me.  And your girlfriend already has a proven history of cheating on you.  Past behavior is an excellent predictor of the future - please remember that!

So to sum it all up, my recommendation is that you NOT marry your girlfriend (regardless of whether the baby is yours or not, regardless of whether she keeps the baby or not).  If she has the baby, and it is proven to be yours through a DNA test, then be the best father you can be ... by supporting the child financially, and by being a role model and an active part of his or her life.

In order to get the perspective of a number of my midlife peers, I also tossed this question out on our Midlife Forum ... so you can read what others (men and women) had to say about this particular issue. Here is the thread, entitled, Fatherhood Question Related to Cheating - Need the Forum's Input Please

Good luck - let us know how things work out either way, okay?

What do YOU think - do you have a better answer or a comment?  Use our COMMENT SECTION below, or you can feel free to discuss this in our Midlife Forum.

Use our commenting feature below to share your opinion on this question or answer, or to offer your own answer, or you can always choose to discuss this in the Midlife Forum ...

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