WHEN TO TAKE DOWN YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE?
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:
I have been seeing this guy for about a month and a half. We became intimate on the 3rd date. We met via a dating website. He told me he wanted us to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and also mentioned something about disabling our profiles but later said he forgot about saying that but said that was ok. I did not pursue this topic as I thought it was a little soon. He's still active on the website and was bold enough to check his messages off that dating website from his cell while I was sitting next to him last weekend!! What I don't understand is he has said things to make me really think he likes me. He wanted me to meet his sons, which I have. He claims he told his mother about me as well as a close friend. Is that some wrap he
gives all the girls? Do his sons meet a lot of women? I also notice now he does not call as much over the last week or so. He has a very hectic work schedule but I'm not convinced this is the reason we really have not made plans to see each other next. What should I do? I think he has lost interest and now I'm wondering how terrible of a time he was having to check his mobile alerts from the dating site WHILE I WAS THERE. He couldn't have waited until I left????
Several days ago I went online to the dating site to see if he was online which would not have bothered me so much as it was still new but on the heels of last week when he was checking the messages right in front of me I could not shake it. He was online on the site. I sent him a message on the website that I was sorry as I completely misunderstood where this was going and said I get it. From him checking his mobile messages from the dating site in front of me to being online I got that he was no longer interested and I was sorry we did not make the connection he was looking for. Also commented on what a great dad he is and wished him the best of luck.
He replied saying his internet actions were his business and then seemed to forget he checked his messages from his phone. He said he did like me but if I wanted to call it a day he would understand. He then called and we had a very civil conversation. He said he did like me however he justified being online as he had paid for it, and the curiosity thing about someone finding you interesting, etc. He wondered why I was surprised he was still online, and I did not go into what he had said previously as I thought it pointless. He said we were at the beginning stages of our relationship and had not reached the next level. (Ok? then why have me meet his sons? and say other things as previously mentioned). I also said I really didn't want to call it quits, but what he did bothered me. In the conversation he said he felt as I was monitoring his activity and I assured him I'm not. I logged on and there he was! I did not do anything! He seemed to understand where I was coming from regarding him checking his messages but said that is meaningless and I should not care. He said I should have told him then what was bothering me or picked up the phone during the week.
I called him yesterday and he said he was going to call me but was waiting for his schedule was not sure if he was going to have off other than Friday of next week which he said he could come down to me and stay and would let me know when he knows more. Also by the way he and I live about 80 miles from each other so seeing each other can be a challenge. The last 3 weekends I have been up by him and now I'm wondering if my expiration date has arrived. My plan of action is no action. He said he would call me to let me know about Thursday. If he does not call me then my questions are answered I think. Am I getting the signals right or am I over thinking this? Please help!
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER::In my opinion, if you start dating someone - and you agree to be "boyfriend and girlfriend", then certainly both parties should remove or hide or take down all of your online dating profiles. That's just common sense, and common courtesy.
You did not over think this at all. I believe you are justified in thinking that this new relationship has expired. I'll go one step further, and tell you that I think the guy is JERK for checking his online dating messages in front of you - I would have dumped him right there and then, if I were you! That is just SO RUDE!!! No man with any class or taste does something like that. Just plain rude. And about his telling you his internet actions are "his business" and that he was justified in staying live on the site because he had paid for it. JEEZ - He's got an answer for everything, doesn't he? Give me a break! In my opinion, he is extremely disrespecting you.
If you don't want to just outright dump him, then I think you are on the right track by not calling him, and seeing what happens. I call this "going dark" - you just stop calling or emailing, and see if he pursues you. If he does not call, then you have your answer - and can move on. I suggest not taking offense to any of this - stuff just like this happens all the time in the dating world. Yes - it sucks, but that's what it is. I don't think he'll be any great loss if he doesn't call you. Besides - what will you do if you keep going out with him, but you still see him online with an active profile (because HE PAID for the service)??? Won't that just bother you more? It would bother me! I've noticed in my own past - that if something someone does at the very beginning of a new relationship bothers me just a little ... then down the line (weeks, months later), it will most likely bother me A LOT ... so better to address issues of this sort right now, and not waste anyone's time.
There are some sections of midlifebachelor.com that might be helpful to you - in the Midlife Dating Advice section. Recognize that these are all written from a man's point-of-view. Some are universally applicable to both men and women, and others can easily be adapted to a female perspective:
Fundamental Truth #1 - Be Happy and Comfortable with Yourself ... which includes a discussion about always spreading good karma, and avoiding the appearance of being overly eager.
Fundamental Truth #2 - Don't Take Things Too Personally ... which also discusses how to avoid "false starts", and how to practice "energy conservation" with respect to dating.
Fundamental Truth #3 - Be Careful Right Out of the Starting Gate ... is a discussion about the front-end of any brand-new relationship, and also exposes how great sex can hide the truth about someone new.
You might also consider joining our Midlife Forum on midlifebachelor.com - where men and women our age discuss midlife dating issues just like this one, plus a lot of other things. The goal is - to share and learn something from one another. Here is a link to the Midlife Forum:
The Midlife Forum
Good luck - please let us know how things turn out!