LACK OF CONTACT AFTER A GREAT DATE?
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:
Hi, I'm a 39 year old woman who recently went out on a date with a 51 year old man. During the entire date, we both appeared to have had a great time. We held hands, hugged, laughed, talked about many topics. At the end of the date, he mentioned he had a wonderful time and wanted to see me again. He asked for a kiss but I was a little apprehensive because we were near where we both work. I just didn't want to display intimate accounts of my life near our workplaces. When he leaned over to kiss me he opened his mouth, whereas I kept mine closed because of the aforementioned circumstances.
It went well, the only thing I can mention is the fact that he spoke a lot about his ex-wife (they have been married and divorced to each other several times), and the fact that they still live in the same apartment complex. This raised a red flag for me since I felt he's not entirely over that relationship. He insisted it's over and they have been divorced and do not communicate with each other since five years ago.
He also drank a little bit more than I'm accustomed to. I had two beers, he had seven beers and five tequila shots. I've never been a big drinker, but he did not seem drunk so I am assuming he's used to that amount of alcohol. He also smoked constantly during our date, I had two cigarettes, he smoked a whole pack.
He mentioned during our date that he works seven days a week since he is paying for his children's education. His son is in medical school, his daughter in law school. He also mentioned his wife took almost everything during the last divorce and he has huge amounts of debt to pay. I felt a little uncomfortable since I did not want to learn so much about his personal life during our first date. Nonetheless I understood when he mentioned he hardly has any free time in his hands.
At the end of the date he asked me to call him when I got home, he wanted to make sure I made it safely to my home. I called when I arrived and he repeated what a nice time he had and he wanted to do it again.
This was last Saturday. As of this day I have not heard back from him.
On Tuesday a fellow coworker overheard him talking about what a great time he had on Saturday, it was a long time since he'd gone out with an intelligent, successful, kind, funny, beautiful girl (his words - not mine). I was surprised to hear this since he has not called me.
On Thursday I wrote him a text message saying HI and I hoped he was having a great week, but he has not replied. What do you think went wrong?
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:Okay - I have a number of comments for you. He drank 7 beers and 5 tequila shots on your date? Holy smoke - it is amazing he was still standing! That is a lot of alcohol ...! My guess is that he drinks HEAVILY and what you saw that night was "normal" for him. Maybe that is okay with you - but I've dated a heavy drinking nurse in the past, and it became an issue ... was embarrassing at times .... just a bad experience overall. I would not personally date a heavy drinker again - but that's me. It is also interesting that he smoked an entire pack of cigarettes on a date - that is extremely unhealthy, not to mention unattractive. Go figure. One could easily conclude that he leads a very unhealthy lifestyle overall ... and things like that DO catch up with you eventually.
Another thing that is unusual is that you said that he married and divorced his ex-wife a several times? That is just weird. My guess is that they still talk, and who knows if they will ever be really through with one another. Maybe she couldn't handle his drinking? Plus - she lives in the same apartment complex? YIKES!!!!
Honestly, I seldom run across such a large number of "red flags" as what I discuss above. But you KNOW this guy - and there is obviously some kind of chemistry between the two of you that makes you want to be with him.
Now - your question was why hasn't he called you? You said you've heard from a colleague that he said he had a great time with you. But a week passed, and he hasn't called you back. Nor has he responded to your text message. He might just be REALLY BUSY. Lord knows the same thing is true in my life ... but I'm the type that I'd still find time for a quick phone call, or a hhhot text message, or SOMETHING. So he might just be the "serious type" who focuses so exclusively on work that other things (such as personal relationships) suffer. You should take note of this observation - because should the two of you start to date more regularly, then this lack of contact behavior type could start to really bother you. And I don't think you are expecting too much of him either.
To me - you sound like a very intelligent and successful woman. I am positive whether this gentleman works out or not, you will find someone who will adore you. My suggestion is that you put this guy in your rear-view mirror, and work on finding someone new who doesn't drink so much, nor has all the other potential issues with his ex-wife. I'd also suggest that you consider joining our Midlife Forum - where we often discuss issues just like this one:
The Midlife Forum
Please let me know how things work out for you, okay?