BIPOLAR WIFE ABANDONS MARRIAGE
DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:
I am 47 years old and I'm a very passionate loving and caring person that seems to always get my heart stomped on, lied to, taken advantage of, and/or used. I remarried in July of this year. She is age 40, had my heart and soul, and was the love of my life. We WERE so in love and happy, and planning to grow old together. Or so I thought.
As you can see, I said "WERE" because on December 2nd she told me she was sorry but she was leaving and NO reasons were given. Yes, NO REASONS. She left and we have only spoke once since. No matter how many messages I leave, texts I send - I get NO response, NO answers, NO NOTHING. Other than she doesn't want to be with any-
one ... doesn't want anyone, and is sorry, and she shouldn't have married me. I asked her if it isn't sacred enough or doesn't mean enough to save - and she said no. But I was told by her Dad (yes her Dad) to forget her, it's over, I'm getting a divorce so get it through my head. What business is my marriage to him? He has no business telling me anything when it comes to my marriage especially that it's over, and to forget her, and that I'm getting a divorce and he's paying for it. She is 40 and not 11 where Daddy tells her what to do.
I could understand a parent getting involved saying things like that if it was an abusive marriage and domestic violence had happened or similar. But none of that is the case here.
Two months ago, she was diagnosed as being bipolar. I had no idea whatsoever, but when you are married, and love someone you stand by them in sickness and in health.
We had a great marriage or at least I was made to believe we had a great marriage and were truly in love, hell we were still in the honeymoon stage at just 4 months.
I know there's not anyone else, and she's not cheating. So my question to you - do you have any answers to why out of the blue after four month's of marriage she says "I'm sorry but I'm leaving." No other reasons or explanation or nothing. It blows my mind!!!!!
Do you think the bipolar came in to play? Did she really love me? Was it just a game to her? With me being so passionate and loving, am I an easy target? Do I agree to a divorce, move on or keep trying? If I agree to a divorce then when should I start dating again??
MIDLIFE BACHELOR ANSWER:Midlife Brother - I hear and feel the pain and anguish in your words, and I am so sorry that this has happened to you. To me, it sounds like you were very genuine and loving toward her - and something happened that caused it all to fall apart. You are definitely the victim here, and you should not feel bad about anything - because to me it sounds like you did everything just fine.
I don't have much experience with bipolar people. I mean, I've known a few - but I've never dated one. My understanding is that bipolar people go through intense mood swings - during the highs (or manic phase), a person can lose their sense of judgment and do things like spend money recklessly, or engage in promiscuous behavior, for example ... basically do something they ordinarily would not necessarily do. The flip side is the depressive phase where the same person can withdraw from everyone and everything around him or her.
Now based on what you wrote, I'd say that several things are possible. One possibility is that your bipolar wife has done something so bad that both she and her Dad think it is better to hide it from you, and simply divorce you - versus disclose it. This could be ANYTHING - and you may never know what "it" is. Another possibility is that HER MARRIAGE TO YOU was the lapse in judgment that she committed during one of her manic phases. This doesn't mean you are a bad person - it just means that she doesn't think she should have married you, for whatever reason. The fact that she now fails to communicate with you bolsters this idea somewhat - and it also is indicative of her swinging to the depressive state of her bipolar condition.
The bottom line for you is - if this is the kind of thing she pulls after four months of marriage, then you clearly are better off without her. I'd give her the divorce ASAP, and do everything in your power to move on with your life. A good lesson to learn here is - don't get involved with someone who is bipolar ... at least YOU SHOULDN'T because you've just had such a bad experience with a bipolar wife.
Now you did not say how long you dated your bipolar wife before you married her. Is it possible that you rushed into marriage? If so - then that would be a good lesson to learn for the future (don't rush into marriage).
In terms of whether you should start dating again right away, that is up to you. A rest to get your head together might be a good idea. Or it might not. Only YOU know when you are ready to start dating again. Be sure to read the Midlife Dating Advice section of midlifebachelor.com, and also I recommend that you join our Midlife Forum - so that you can bounce your ideas off of both men and women our age.
Good luck - you will be fine, Sir.